Has the passion faded in your life since we’ve gone into lockdown? Has sex become less frequent? Is your libido low and you’re not sure why? If you’re nodding your head, chances are that you’re going through a “sex drought” and you’re definitely not alone, especially when stressors are high.
We all go through a dry spell at some point in our life. But if you’re yearning for deeper intimacy, then it’s time to do something about it.
The good news is, I’ve got some tips for you to help you understand the desire and what you can do to keep your intimacy alive during this pandemic.
Understanding male and female libido
Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat, and look at the difference between male and female libido. Men generally seem to be more sexually keyed up than women, and studies confirm that men (as a whole) think of sex at least once a day, experience more spontaneous sexual arousal and have more varied sexual fantasies. Whereas, only a quarter of women have the same stream of sexual thoughts as men. That being said, that hardly means that men want sex all the time and women rather binge-watch Netflix.
In truth, the stereotype tends to oversimplify both men and women, saying female sexuality is overly complicated and men are “ready” for it all the time. What we need to take into consideration is that female and male libido are frequently impacted by medical, hormonal, lifestyle and medication issues. Especially while we’re all spending more time at home, stress sensors go up, which has a different effect on each individual.
So, to sum it up – it’s impossible to dichotomize female and male desire. There may be a myriad of reasons why each gender may not be interested at any given time. It’s key to remember that sexual desire is not linear, it’s fluid for each individual.
How do you show up at work? Are you organized and on time? Do you look for continuous ways to improve your skills? What about your children? If you have kids, do you put them ahead of yourself and ensure that they are loved and taken care of? I bet you do. How about your relationship? Do you give it the same amount of energy? Well done if you do, but if you don’t, then don’t fret – you’re not alone!
What tends to happen is that your relationship gets the “leftovers” because we feel exhausted, even if we’ve spent all day at home, in the home office or tending to the kids. Comfort and familiarity set in and we become straight-up lazy. So no wonder desire starts to dwindle when the relationship is dealing with the leftovers. Another reason desire might wane is that when first meet someone, sex is at its peak due to the love chemical PEA.
What’s PEA? It’s the chemical that the body releases to create the strong chemistry you feel when you have a deep desire for your partner. You know that feeling, where you just can’t keep your hands off each other?! Generally, after approximately the 2-year mark, the PEA chemical slowly starts to decrease. This doesn’t mean you no longer want to have sex with your partner, but it requires some “work” to keep things hot inside the bedroom. Why not get some support from a therapist or intimacy coach and discover some new possibilities for the bedroom?
The importance of cultivating desire
We all desire novelty and mystery creates curiosity. If you see your partner day in and out because you’re locked up together, it’s hard to miss and long for them. Even though it may be nice to spend all this time with your partner, in order to cultivate desire and eroticism in your life, you must bring anticipation into the relationship. So instead of sitting on top of each other, create space. Schedule quality time to do things you both enjoy instead. Put mobile phones and other distractions away to be truly present with each other.
If you want to create some erotic tension, why not get creative and bring in some spontaneous erotic teasers? It will help build anticipation and it can result in both spontaneous and planned sex. This doesn’t have to take up loads of time or energy. Send each other a naughty text message as you sit across the room, followed by a cheeky smile. See what happens if you just kiss for 15 minutes. What happens if you only touch each other above the waist, but you don’t touch below (hot, right?!)? This is not only fun, but it keeps you in a state of longing, anticipation and desire – the perfect aphrodisiac to keep the intimacy alive.
Feeding your erotic palette
If you’d like to experience deep pleasure and keep your intimacy alive, it starts by exploring and discovering each other’s pathways to arousal. It’s hard to look forward to sex when you’re relying on the same script again and again (remember we crave novelty). Start by asking each other some questions: “What do you currently enjoy during sex? What else would you like to try? How would you like me to initiate sex?” If you’re craving more novelty, I suggest exploring with some touch games in the bedroom. And to really heighten your sense of touch, grab a blindfold. By shutting down your sense of sight, your sense of touch gets heightened in a major way.
Maybe you’re craving anticipation, space and tease. Or do you want to experience a light or hovering touch, eye contact and an emotional connection? Maybe you want to have all of your senses engaged through comfort, ambiance and sensory play? Your partner won’t know what you like or fantasize about until you tell them – it’s as simple as that. If you’re not sure where to start, I suggest you both take the Eros Archetype Quiz. This will help you to understand both your own and your partner’s erotic language and it will be a great way to help you feed and be fed in your desires!