Why France is the Perfect Place for a Fresh New Start

Why France is the Perfect Place for a Fresh New Start

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The author starting a new life in Paris. © Dufflyn Lammers

A lot of us have come to France not only because of what we were moving away from, but because of what we were moving towards – because of the possibilities it holds. The possibilities we may have given up on in the place we’d been living. For me, relocating to France made leaving my acting career behind so much easier. I got to be a fresh face again, the new kid in town, instead of feeling like a failure. “I’m in love and I’m moving to Paris, hooray!” sounds so much better than, “Well I’m forty and still no Oscar, I quit.”

As a Relationship & Recovery Coach I believe we are all recovering from something. It could be adverse childhood experiences, a divorce, a health scare, some sort of trauma, or any number of other life challenges. And we are all at our most vulnerable when we are in a transition. Those moments are difficult and they are also when we have the greatest chance to explore our world, to push beyond our edges, and find what feels meaningful for us.

To be clear – I believe we aren’t just doing this because we can, we’re doing it because we must. And it is important to grieve the old skin as we shed it. This process of re-alignment is about growth, so it makes sense that there might be some growing pains. We need to identify and feel in our hearts anything that may be incomplete or unresolved as we make these shifts. And then, as we let go of one dream, one life, one version of ourselves, we allow a new one to be born.

The first time I had to reinvent myself I was only twenty five. In 1995 I was paralyzed in a car accident. I had just graduated college and moved to a new town only a few months before. Doctors were able to put my spine back together with titanium rods and I learned to walk again. But I was fired from my job as a journalist at the local paper. I was pretty miffed about that. But once I’d processed it, I saw an opening. Instead of writing for them, I decided to write for myself. I joined a local poetry slam team and got to perform on the national stage in Chicago. I got a grant and produced the first ever national poetry month festival. I eventually booked Russell Simmons Def Poetry on HBO and toured colleges around the US doing a poetry show. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for that horrible accident. I turned tragedy into opportunity. And it is a lesson that has served me well over the years – not least of which when I moved to France.

Supportive friends contribute to relational resilience.

I’ve noticed a few keys to success when it comes to reinvention. The first one has to do with relationships. You know how, when your best friend is going through something, say, a work crisis, or a boyfriend crisis, you are so ready to fight for her? You might doubt yourself if it were you, but when it’s her, you’re clear: she deserves the best. This is relational resilience.

When I was in junior high school in the US, a girl who was supposed to be my friend called me a “narc” and threatened to “kick (my) ass” between classes. I was terrified. Just as I was steeling myself for the inevitable, two friends walked up beside me. Each one took an arm. They walked me away from the circle that had formed around us. Now, those two girls were not, are not, some kind of ninjas. They were just regular girls like you and me. But in that moment, they had the courage and the strength of relational resilience. They may have frozen the same way I did if they were faced with a bully. But for a friend? They were brave. They were bold. They were downright heroic.

Photo: Denis Kuvae/Shutterstock

Relational resilience is a resource each of us can tap into as expats. Immigrating to another country does require a certain amount of grit. Say, for example you’re trying to negotiate at the prefecture, or with your French boss, or even on a date. It’s hard to speak your truth. Add to that the complexity of cross-cultural interaction and the language barrier and you’re at a serious disadvantage. But what would you say on behalf of a friend in the same predicament? You’d be like, hold up, she’s got something to say and you’re going to hear her out. Maybe you never felt comfortable standing up for yourself in your native tongue. Maybe you were too timid or too brash. But nobody here knows that! So you get to discover a whole new way of being. You get to be that brave, bold, heroic friend to yourself.

Nearly every one of my expat girlfriends agrees – our health has improved since moving to France. We eat better, walk more, and some even drink less alcohol. Most of us are learning French, which means we have no need of crossword puzzles to ward off dementia. Many women have reported feeling that Paris is “kinder” to a woman as she ages. France is infinitely more supportive of the arts, and has a different idea about work-life balance than the US, for example. All of these positive aspects contribute to our overall well-being.

The author embraces the freedom of expat life. © Dufflyn Lammers

There is also the often overlooked question of meaning and purpose, which, when achieved, has been shown to significantly contribute to better physical and mental health. I’ve been trying to finish a book for years. Like 30 years. But I always had conflicts in the morning, which is my best time to write. I had to go to work or to auditions. I was always up late for classes. There were legit excuses. But in France, I work remotely. The Covid pandemic helped normalize that. And most of my clients are in English-speaking countries. So, I have been able to organize my work in the afternoons. That means I now have my mornings free to write. I also got some support in the form of a writing coach, which keeps me accountable and bolsters my spirits when I begin to doubt myself. It worked, and I finished the book last month.

One of the greatest opportunities for reinvention is to become the you that you always knew you could be. One who works out, or who writes or dances or plays piano. You get to start over here. You get to finally put yourself, your satisfaction and your true passions first. Add to that what I call the “new pair of glasses” effect. In a country where we don’t know the rules, it’s easier for us to set our imaginations free. We believe more in the dream inside ourselves than we do in the dogma. Even if there is dogma, it’s not ours. The limiting beliefs fall away and we soar!

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