French President François Hollande made unexpected headline news in 2014 when he was photographed by paparazzi on a scooter en route to visit his mistress, actress Julie Gayet. The First Lady of France at the time was Valérie Trierweiler, a journalist to whom Hollande was not married and for whom he’d left the mother of his four children.
Yes, it was a scandal that he was having an affair, but that seemed to be the lesser scandal to the very non-Presidential act of riding a scooter through the streets of Paris like a love-struck teenager. Hollande left Trierweiler for Gayet three weeks after the scooter affair broke, and his approval ratings actually went up, with a majority of voters declaring theirs “a personal matter.”
Meanwhile, stateside, Bill Clinton’s affair with Monika Lewinsky created scathing headline news in the U.S. for the entirety of 1998, ultimately leading to his impeachment.
Suffice it to say that French and American attitudes toward fidelity have always had their differences. But have these differences changed in recent years, and if so, how?
My take on dating and love life in Paris
Before I answer, allow me to introduce myself. I’m an American in Paris since 2009 and a divorcée since 2012. I’ve been on dating apps fairly consistently ever since and am now in my late 40s. My first novel, Will There Be Wine?, was a fictionalized version of my own Parisian dating misadventures, so I fancy myself a bit of an expert on single gal life in the City of Love.
Read all about Whitney Cubbison’s misadventures in love.
I recently published a sequel, Will There Be Love?, which explores love in multiple forms – platonic, romantic and familial. The story takes place across Rome, Paris and Ibiza and is told in four-part narration by two couples, one of which is just falling in love and the other is 12 years married with two kids. The husband in that couple is having an affair, so in writing this book, the topic of infidelity and how it’s handled was top of mind.
There is a cultural axis to this issue but also a generational one.
In our mothers’ and grandmothers’ days, financial dependence on a man often meant that women had to turn a blind eye to infidelity, because they didn’t have the means to survive alone.
This, mercifully, is no longer true for most women.
For those of us not living in ultra-conservative communities, we now have every possibility to choose whatever lifestyle or relationship status suits us best. This has become even more apparent in the last five to 10 years, especially via the questions posed when creating a dating profile on certain apps.
In 2016, OKCupid was the first mainstream dating app to list “ethical non-monogamy” as an option in this relationship-type wish list. It’s defined as any relationship in which partners consensually agree to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person — with honesty and communication at the core. Today, on Bumble (my app of choice), the options include: a long-term relationship, fun/casual dates, marriage, intimacy without commitment, a life partner or ethical non-monogamy.
This very public ability to unabashedly state what you want has, I believe, placed a higher premium on honesty. For people dating today, if they say they want monogamy, they likely expect their partner to honor that. If they wanted something else, society (or at least the dating apps) has now granted them “permission” to say so, in a way that simply wasn’t true a decade ago. How refreshing!
Can we talk?
In Will There Be Love?, the characters have a great many conversations about love, including pondering whether romantic love ought to be placed at the top of the hierarchy. The discussion reflects on the African proverb popularized by Hilary Clinton – “It takes a village” – which referred to having friends and family help raise children. In Western society, we’ve moved further away from this idea as families have become more geographically dispersed and communities less closely knit.
One question raised in my book is whether relationships may also take a village to be truly satisfying. Is it realistic to have ALL your needs — physical, intellectual, and emotional — met by one partner?
A French single gal character named Rosalie shares, “We should stop expecting our partners to be everything all at once, recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and surround ourselves with people who help us live our best lives…”
“I think that if people were able to be truly honest with each other about their needs and wants and allowed for some creativity in their couplings, there might be fewer divorces.”
It’s perhaps controversial, but who hasn’t had a retirement fantasy about living in a commune with a bunch of friends who will care for each other in ways that perhaps a romantic partner can’t or won’t? What happens when married couples who love each other have mismatched wants or needs when it comes to sex? Should we have to sacrifice certain things to remain in a couple? Can platonic love or familial love be just as fulfilling as romantic love? Can sex just be sex?
Not everyone dares to ask these questions of their partner or even themselves. After living in France for nearly 16 years, I believe the French are more open to pondering existential questions about love and fidelity than Americans, where society remains more puritanical by comparison. But of course, there are exceptions to every rule.
The key is communication
Also in my novel, as the scorned wife contemplates divorce on the back of her husband’s infidelity, Austen posits the following: “I take issue with the term ‘failed marriage.’ If you leave your shitty job for something better, no one calls it ‘failed employment.’ Life is about allowing yourself to grow, allowing your desires to change, and having the courage to walk away to improve your situation.”
Personally, I remain a hopeless romantic, believing the “perfect for me” guy is out there somewhere. But everyone knows “perfect” doesn’t exist. So in the meantime, as we ask ourselves, Will There Be Love?, perhaps the best thing any of us can do is reach for honesty – with ourselves and our partners – about what we truly want and need to live a happy life.
I believe there is no wrong way to love, as long as it’s honest.
